The In-Sect

This is not made up by me. There actually IS a movie that’s called “Pinocchio in Outer Space”, I swear by Walt’s moustache! Let me quickly summarize the plot for you: Because the blonde boy named Pinocchio misbehaves about 10 minutes after his transition from wood, the vengeful Blue Fairy retimbers him. Moral: Only if he is a good boy, blah-blah…

Look, up there in space! Is it a rocket? Is it an obese superhero? No – it’s a whale! And he is about to smash the earth! What can we do? Who will help us?

So our little wooden Flash Gordon jumps into a rocket Gepetto builds for him (Hey, it’s not like rocket science needs rocket scientists, an average carver will do, Mr. Branson) and up and away to Mars! But before the countdown starts he meets the secret agent Nurtle the Twurtle, who apparently is just a turtle. (‘Meeting’ in this case is to be understood as standing near an UFO as it lands in your garden. It’s a loan word from Tibetan.)
After our Italian role model and this alien parrot land on Mars and after Pinocchio tried to hypnotize the whale in vain and after they blew up planet Mars (No joke: Atom bomb, explosion = no more Mars.) AND after Pinocchio is swallowed by the whale, they meet the Blue Fairy, get out of the whale through its blowhole and manage to hypnotize the monster successfully. Then our favorite little log is burned to death by accident. Pinocchio is dead.

Don’t halloo till you’re out of the wood! With a little magic dust from the Blue Lady he is resurrected, turned to flesh and honored with medals. Like he just saved the world or what!

This movie from the 60ies was drawn by only two animators and a handful of inbetweeners and was directed and produced by Ray Goosens. The character animation will give you the same strange gooey feeling my description just gave you. Yes, you can buy it at Amazon. Medical advice: Use the DVD only with the hallucinogen of your choice. It’s from the sixties!
Next week, dear loyal reader, I will tell you something about another Pinocchio movie: The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio – “It’s not his nose that grows!” Stay tuned!

Recently I found out that “The Flintstones” is still running on the same spot at the same time as it did 20 years ago. Fascinated by the fact that this rough drawn, badly animated show still is understood by the audience. And I realized that “The Simpsons” is just a modern version of “The Flintstones”. Homer and Fred could be brothers.
And Ralph Kramden (The Honeymooners), Al Bundy (Married With Children), Dan Connor (Roseanne) and Tim Taylor (Home Improvement) are part of that gene pool too. Why are fathers in comedy shows always lazy, big-mouthed, unadept, mendacious and dim-witted? What about a little variety?
I’m not saying there aren’t comedies with different scenarios – but when family life is the focus of the show the secret of success is a blundering dad. Since 50 years!

November 1999: Sunbathing in our backyard two things came to my mind simultaneously as the first snowflakes tumbled to the ground. The first thing: The 21st century will just suck! There will be no sexy personal robot slave for me! No hovering computer with language recognition that looks like a brain. No flying car! The year 2000 and no flying car – can you imagine this? (And robots are still as dumb as a stump, all they can do is mowing! Language recognition still does not work and Artificial Intelligence is far away, Mr. Minsky.)

Why is there no flying car? We are developing it for 90 years now, starting with Glenn Curtiss’ Autoplane of 1917. And Robert Fulton’s Airphibian, Theodore Hall’s ConVair AutoPlane and Henry Smolinski’s AVE Mizar followed, but none of this vehicles made it into production.

Currently there are many different companies trying to market their roadable aircrafts. I’ll give you a little overview:

Terrafugia “The Transition”

Fuel Consumption: 4.5 gph Range: 460 miles, Speed 115 mph, Price $148,000, Available: Late 2009
This one is affordable and looks like it will really be delivered, but it looks ridiculously in ground mode. www.terrafugia.com

La Biche “FSC-1”

Fuel Consumption: 23 gph, Range: 975 miles, Speed: 250 mph, Price $175,000, Available: Not before 2008!
I like the fact that this baby mutates from car to plane in 30 seconds when you push a button! The problem: Looks cool as a car, but like an ugly duckling in plane mode. www.labicheaerospace.com/

Volante Aircraft “Volante”

Fuel Consumption: Range: 650 miles Speed: 150 mph Price:? Available:?
This one carries its wings in a trailer and will only be a homebuilding kit. But at least it already exists and flies! www.volanteaircraft.com

Moller “M400 Skycar”

Fuel Consumption: 20 mpg Range: 750 miles Speed: 275 mph Price: $750,000 Available: 2009
VTOL (Vertical Take Off and Landing) is cool, but you’ll need a “powered lift” pilot’s licence to fly this Ethanol gulper! BTW: If I had that much money, I’d buy myself a village. www.moller.com/

AFA “Sokol A400”

Fuel Consumption:? Range: 500 miles Speed: 150 mph Price:? Available: Not before 2011!
Telescopic wings are a cool gadget ! One problem: Four can drive with it but only two can fly. And hoofing it is not sci-fi! www.afaco.com/

Macro Industries “Skyrider X2R

Fuel Consumption:? Range: 800 miles Speed: 288 mph Price: $500,000 Available: Not before 2012!
Plus: VTOL Minus: Not even a prototype ready and it looks like an Isetta! www.macroindustries.com/

Actually there are some reasons why the sky is not filled with flying cars. Flying is not easy – it’s not only the fact that you got to control an additional dimension, but there is metereology and navigation, too. To me it seems like even trained molluscs can get a driver’s licence here in Germany. Imagine all those dogmatics and cholerics flying!

The second thing that came to my mind: It’s really frakking cold – why do you sunbath in November, you moron?

What is Suicide Food? “Suicide Food is any depiction of animals that act as though they wish to be consumed. Suicide Food actively participates in or celebrates its own demise. Suicide Food identifies with the oppressor. Suicide Food is a bellwether of our decadent society. Suicide Food says, “Hey! Come on! Eating meat is without any ethical ramifications! See, Mr. Greenjeans? The animals aren’t complaining! So what’s your problem?”

And so Ben keeps collecting" atrocious logos, gross signs and emetic doodles to entertain us. Thank you Ben! (And thank you, Xin, for pointing me there)

Sol Bernstein is the creation of English stand up comedian Steve Jameson. He’s playing an 85 year old-school Jewish comic: “After 25 years of semi retirement, playing nursing homes, Sol Bernstein has found a new audience – he had to, his old one died.”
This tribute act is a very old fashioned combination of raunchy oneliners and far fetched puns. But this works very well and gives you this cozy nostalgic feeling. His website" sports four Quicktime movies of his show (a little slow loading, be patient): Sol Bernstein’s homepage, an interview with Steve Jameson. Or simply book him for your next party here!

I am proud to be an European! I am ashamed of being an European. And I couldn’t care less. But it’s a good thing that we finally got our own superhero! Isn’t the world full of superheroes? Spiderman? Superman? Shaktimaan? El Santo? Kilink? Darna? Cap’n Alcohol? Jalila?

So, let’s have a closer look at Captain Euro and his sidekick Europa:

“They are the new ambassadors of global peace, bearing the European message with them wherever they go. Solving problems and averting the threat of danger.”
Solving problems? Well, o.k., a megalomaniac villain threatening the world with a nuclear laser beam from another planet can be called a problem, can’t it?

“Europe’s most advanced technology is at their disposal…”
Don’t despair! Equipment is not everything! Let’s focus on our heroes instead:

“Captain Euro has taken a difficult vow: “To use, wherever possible, intellect, culture and logic – not violence – to take control of difficult criminal situations.”
Criminal situation? Using culture? No violence? What are his superpowers anyway?

“Euro combines his acquired language and technology skills with his international ‘savoir faire’ and his natural investigative curiosity, to protect Europe.”
Yes. Our protector is a translator. That’s all. The Hulk is already trembling with fear. But Europe – the blonde, female sidekick?

“She has developed the ability to control her breathing and oxygen intake, enabling her to stay below water for many minutes.”
She can hold her breath? That’s all? I recently collected the 10 Lamest Superheroes, but this is definetely the lamest superpower I ever heard of. “I will stop with my evil doings, Europe – but pleeeeze! start breathing again”, cried the Kingpin in despair…

So, this is Europe’s finest: “Get your hands off that Van Gogh”? I think I’ll move to the only superhero free continent left: Antarctica.