The In-Sect - games

If you belong to the lucky many who haven’t bought a Phillips CD-I during the short time of its commercial existence – congratulations, you’ve successfully avoided the stigma of having purchased one of the worst gaming consoles ever created.

Unfortunately, this means you’ve also missed out on some of the worst games ever created, including the indubitably worst entries in the ‘Legend of Zelda’ and ‘Super Mario Bros.’ franchises – licenses which Nintendo apparently granted to Phillips in exchange for being allowed to opt out of the whole mess…

Thanks to YouTube, however, you can at least ‘enjoy’ the legendary cutscenes from those games – legendary for being cheaply produced in Russia, based on an animation model that seems to assume human anatomy to be akin to Silly Putty. Aside from the original versions, YouTube hosts countless re-cut/re-arranged versions (see above sample) which usually constitute marked improvements over the original plot. Here’s another one, and this one features music and mild profanity.

In conclusion, the CD-I has proven at least all those people wrong, who predicted it would disappear without legacy…

Well, actually, the game’s name is ‘Flight of the Hamsters’, but I like to think that my title suggestion does a much better job of capturing this game’s unique appeal.

The game relies heavily on an old and proven combination of attractors: Rodents, high speed impacts, and Richard Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ – but it gets the mixture just about right.

Suitable for children, although those children that have access to real life rodents should be advised on the differences between real life and computer games, if not yet aware of them.

Especially suitable for Calvinists, since the game’s author seems to have had a firm belief in predestination: Immediately after landing, each of the hamster draws out a sign already emblazoned with the distance he just traveled.

Almost like a vintage, low budget game box illustration, ain’t it?

On the danger of coming over as being a bit repetitive: The Distraction Game.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t games supposed to be a distraction?” Well, yes, but this game is about distraction in a whole other context…I think it might be outrightly therapeutic for only children, since it so perfectly simulates the experience of having younger siblings. If you’re sad because you have no brothers or sisters, play this little game for a while…

...and afterwards you’ll be happy about being an only child.

(Might also be suitable for teacher stress proofing.)

Like the gumshoe says: “The bitch is a ghost!” That’s because in real life she is long dead and lies buried beside Reader Rabbit and Arthur. In fact the whole concept of educational software is dead. Modern parents prefer their children being educated by World of Warcraft and Counterstrike instead…
If you do NOT know Carmen Sandiego, you can watch a video of the game that started it all or watch the tv-show:
The Cave Art Caper: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Diamonds are a crook’s best friend: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
If you just like the song by Rockapella, click here.

P.S.: I’ve been after Carmen a little more. If you’re missing her too, check out the Vile Headquarters or download a trial version of “Where in the World…” directly from Broderbund!

If you like “Fawlty Towers”, which was the best comedy show of its time AND you like to play Counterstrike, here’s the map you’ll never forget.
Kevin Desmet from Belgium spared no effort to pixelate the complete Hotel to enrich your gaming experience. It is not really the thing to make your next LAN-party unforgettable, but you cant take a stroll and enjoy all the authentic props.
Download@FPSBanana

I imagine it a rather humbling experience to wear a brace. And it must be worse if it’s colored jade or lavender. Here you can either play the most boring game in the world or torture your teenager.
The Brace Color Selector