The 10 Lamest Superheroes
I want to introduce my own list of the top ten lamest superheroes of all time. These specimen were all really printed, commercial superheroes, every detail told here is true.
This superhero clearly was inspired by the Wandering Jew, an old anti-semitic, Christian fairy tale. His superpower is being immortal. Not indestructible of course, so when you stab him, he will bleed and if you use your heat vision on him, he’s roast. And he dies, but only to be reincarnated as someone completely else. Now, that’s a super weakness in my eyes. Not only can he feel pain and anger as we all do, no: He even has to die multiple deaths!
The Legion of Superheroes is a never ending source of awe and wonder. The young heroes are bizarre enough on their own, but those who were rejected joining their ranks are even more hilarious. I barely couldn’t decide which one to pick, but I will vote for “The Mess” as my all time favorite. Like my office his only superpower is attracting dirt. Kind of super-Pigpen from ‘The Peanuts’. And his costume is the only super hero dress I could manufacture myself.
‘The Red Bee’ is an average Golden Age vigilante with no special super power apart from his ability to command bees. He’s not using this to earn a gazillion dollars with special flavored honey but to fight crime. His main problem is the fact that he is completely color blind and sewed himself a costume in red, pink and yellow. Stripes? Check. Puff sleeves? Check. ‘Stinger Gun’? Check.
Being a sidekick is not cool. Being a boy sidekick is even uncooler. Mr. Scarlet superpowers: ‘Above level acrobatic and hand-to-hand combatant skills’. So being Mr. Scarlet’s boy sidekick is uncoolest. But this is just a small problem compared to his name: ‘Pinky’ is the worst name any superhero can have. Can you imagine any given third class super villain tremble with fear when someone named ‘Pinky’ enters the scene? Or even any kindergarten bully? I’d be more afraid of Linus’
Hoppy is indeed an old fellow – born on the 1st of December 1942. He lives in the ‘Funny Animal Land’ inhabited by cartoons and is the bunny version of Captain Marvel. He is part of the Marvel Family, along with Captain Marvel Jr., Mary Marvel and – yes! – Uncle Marvel. In ‘Funny Animal Land’ Superman exists only as a comic book character, which completely separates his reality from mine. But don’t be afraid: Superman and Hoppy have their share of adventures to live through together!
Imagine you arewriting scenarios and this is your idea: There are five brothers which can mentally synchronize the atoms of their bodies into one human being being five times as strong as any normal man. If this ‘Collective Man’ concentrates on the image of millions of his countryman his powers boost off any scale available in your gym. Where could such a being come from? Right: China! Did I mention that this deployment of collective power renders all five parts of the Collective Man unconscious?
Remember Slimer, the green ghost from the Ghostbusters? Well, that is exactly Doop. Cap’ America – may God rest his soul – stated that Doop is an US military experiment gone wrong and capable of destroying our whole planet. I can not tell you what his superpowers are, but take anything from the X-Men universe and combine it and you get the picture. He once dated a beautiful married woman, but her husband send a PI called Chandler (Oh, the irony!) to investigate. Doop ditched the woman instantly and had an affair with the detective. That he once fought with Thor for the final piece of his brain and that he swallowed all of the X-Men via a swollen pimple is better not further discussed here.
Keith Everett, the Earl of Strethmere, is killed in 1700 and haunts his castle until his last descendant from America returns to the castle and is killed by Nazis. (We write 1942.) Guess what’s the super power of this ghost? Well, the Gay Ghost can slip into another man’s body and can still use his skills with the sword. And that’s what he does to avenge the death of Deborah Wallace. Later he travels to America with her would-be fiance. Would you please stop smiling?
“Good. Neither does El Guapo.” Yes, this hero shares his name with the villain from ‘Three Amigos!’ Mr. Handsome’s special ability was a symbiotic relationship with his living skateboard. If the board and Guapo were separated, he immediately felt sick. Fighting the Taliban he first lost his legs, which made it harder to do cool skater stunts. Finally he sung himself to death.
Once upon a time there was a little boy called Japheth, born in South Africa under the bloody reign of Apartheid. He could not digest solid food and the doctors gave him up. He didn’t want to be a burden to his family, so he ran away to die in solitary disgrace. He was found by Magneto, who explained his super power to him: ‘Instead of a stomach you house two sentient slugs who eat themselves through you chest. Using their super power enzymes they can digest any solid material blocking your way, thus strengthening you beyond imagination. But they slugs must reenter your body to release their storage, which hurts like hell every time. Japheth named himself ‘The Maggot’ and his maggots ‘Eanie’ and ‘Meanie’ and was a happy little mutant ever after
Filed under: The Free Unsexy Image Cards
There are situations when you need nothing more urgently than a solid unsexy thought. You know, just to distract yourself, get your mind off…nudge-nudge, wink-wink, when the situation isn’t opportune. I think you get the idea – some aid in breaking a mental fixation or soothing an intellectual … tension. Nothing gross or shocking, just something solidly, completely unarousing.
Some years ago I discovered Joel Bass’ Unsexy Thoughts page, but I always felt us visual types would benefit from having something similar to work its magic by way of the optical nerves. That’s why I created these 42 “Unsexy Image Cards” , which you can download right here! Download any or all of these PDF-files (depending on which have the most … calming effect on you), and print out enough copies to stash some in every place you fear temptation might strike (if you want to keep some in your shower, don’t forget to laminate them). Keep a further set handy at all times for emergecy use. And yes, this generous, philanthropic offer is completely free.
Download the Unsexy Image Cards (Adobe PDF): Art, Celebrities, Comics, Design, Food, Household and Science. Thank you Joel!
The Flash Gordon Adaptions
Hollywood is selling out superheroes for the baby boomers right now. Rumors about the adaption of “Antman” won’t stop. I never understood why the ability to shrink to the size of an ant could be labeled as “superhuman” (This from me, the leader of the In-Sect!) Why did no one ever make a real good “Flash Gordon”-movie instead? Yes, we had some adaptions and I went through them. Here is my ranking of the five best:
5. The animated series from 1979
This TV show tried its best to capture the spirit of the original strip. Sadly, in the seventies the art of animating characters was not passed on from father to son. But the scripts were working and a thrilling cliffhanger was part of the concept. And it is the best animated adaption around. Just forget “Defenders of the Earth” or “Flash Gordon” from 1996…
4. Flesh Gordon
This soft porn movie (The pathetic plot: Emperor Wang, the Perverted is leader of the planet Porno and sends his mighty “Sex Rays” towards Earth!) from 1974 earns a place in this collection. Though this is clearly a parody, it keeps up some of the true sci fi values: Great claymation monsters, weird robots, the Emperor’s cheerleaders and penisaurs.
3. Star Wars (aka Episode IV), 1977
Yes, Star Wars is clearly a Flash Gordon movie. Just look at the crawling, distorted text in the beginning, the cheesy cross fadings, the evil Emperor, the city in the clouds, the looks of Han Solo or the simple fact that there is sound in space. Only place three because of one problem: No Flash Gordon in it!
2. Buster Crabbe!
This low budget production from 1936 may not be very true to the original concept of Alex Raymond, but Buster was the first and in my opinion best Flash Gordon of all times. And the winner is:
1. Flash Gordon (1980)
Oh, I hear you protest! And I was your opinion until I recently saw this movie again. It is really fun! It features the best Prince Vultan, James Bond as Prince Barin, Darth Vader’s cousin Klytus, sexy Princess Aura, soundtrack from Queen (Big plus!) and the best Ming, the Merciless of them all! Only Flash is a miscast IMHO. It’s not the fact that Mr. Jones cannot act – Mr. Crabbe couldn’t either – he got this boyish way to look and move, exaggerated mimics and he parts his hair down in the middle!
So, after all this boring text, here’s your YouTube-candy for number 5 (Intro), number 4 (Trailer), number 3 (‘Solo, the Movie’. Satire, funny, must see!), number 2 (Music not from the 30ies) and the winner: Trailer and the Football Fight.
Actually you can buy the Buster Crabbe Flash Gordon movies in a well-priced 3 DVD box set at Amazon here.
