I want to introduce my own list of the top ten lamest superheroes of all time. These specimen were all really printed, commercial superheroes, every detail told here is true.
The Curse of Being Immortal, Man.
This superhero clearly was inspired by the Wandering Jew, an old anti-semitic, Christian fairy tale. His superpower is being immortal. Not indestructible of course, so when you stab him, he will bleed and if you use your heat vision on him, he’s roast. And he dies, but only to be reincarnated as someone completely else. Now, that’s a super weakness in my eyes. Not only can he feel pain and anger as we all do, no: He even has to die multiple deaths!
Look at the Mess You Made!
The Legion of Superheroes is a never ending source of awe and wonder. The young heroes are bizarre enough on their own, but those who were rejected joining their ranks are even more hilarious. I barely couldn’t decide which one to pick, but I will vote for “The Mess” as my all time favorite. Like my office his only superpower is attracting dirt. Kind of super-Pigpen from “The Peanuts”. And his costume is the only super hero dress I could manufacture myself.
Vogue Award for The Red Bee
“The Red Bee” is an average Golden Age vigilante with no special super power apart from his ability to command bees. He’s not using this to earn a gazillion dollars with special flavored honey but to fight crime. His main problem is the fact that he is completely color blind and sewed himself a costume in red, pink and yellow. Stripes? Check. Puff sleeves? Check. “Stinger Gun”? Check.
Pinky’s Excellent Adventure
Being a sidekick is not cool. Being a boy sidekick is even uncooler. Mr. Scarlet superpowers: ‘Above level acrobatic and hand-to-hand combatant skills’. So being Mr. Scarlet’s boy sidekick is uncoolest. But this is just a small problem compared to his name: “Pinky” is the worst name any superhero can have. Can you imagine any given third class super villain tremble with fear when someone named “Pinky” enters the scene? Or even any kindergarten bully? I’d be more afraid of Linus…
Hoppy the Marvel Bunny
Hoppy is indeed an old fellow – born on the 1st of December 1942. He lives in the “Funny Animal Land” inhabited by cartoons and is the bunny version of Captain Marvel. He is part of the Marvel Family, along with Captain Marvel Jr., Mary Marvel and – yes! – Uncle Marvel. In “Funny Animal Land” Superman exists only as a comic book character, which completely separates his reality from mine. But don’t be afraid: Superman and Hoppy have their share of adventures to live through together!
The Yellow Peril: Collective Man
Imagine you arewriting scenarios and this is your idea: There are five brothers which can mentally synchronize the atoms of their bodies into one human being being five times as strong as any normal man. If this “Collective Man” concentrates on the image of millions of his countryman his powers boost off any scale available in your gym. Where could such a being come from? Right: China! Did I mention that this deployment of collective power renders all five parts of the Collective Man unconscious?
Oops: Doop!
Remember Slimer, the green ghost from the Ghostbusters? Well, that is exactly Doop. Cap’ America – may God rest his soul – stated that Doop is an US military experiment gone wrong and capable of destroying our whole planet. I can not tell you what his superpowers are, but take anything from the X-Men universe and combine it and you get the picture. He once dated a beautiful married woman, but her husband send a PI called Chandler (Oh, the irony!) to investigate. Doop ditched the woman instantly and had an affair with the detective. That he once fought with Thor for the final piece of his brain and that he swallowed all of the X-Men via a swollen pimple is better not further discussed here.
The Gay Ghost
Keith Everett, the Earl of Strethmere, is killed in 1700 and haunts his castle until his last descendant from America returns to the castle and is killed by Nazis. (We write 1942.) Guess what’s the super power of this ghost? Well, the Gay Ghost can slip into another man’s body and can still use his skills with the sword. And that’s what he does to avenge the death of Deborah Wallace. Later he travels to America with her would-be fiancé. Would you please stop smiling?
Carmen, do you know what foreplay is?
“Good. Neither does El Guapo.” Yes, this hero shares his name with the villain from “Three Amigos!” Mr. Handsome’s special ability was a symbiotic relationship with his living skateboard. If the board and Guapo were separated, he immediately felt sick. Fighting the Taliban he first lost his legs, which made it harder to do cool skater stunts. Finally he sung himself to death.
Emetic: The Maggot
Once upon a time there was a little boy called Japheth, born in South Africa under the bloody reign of Apartheid. He could not digest solid food and the doctors gave him up. He didn’t want to be a burden to his family, so he ran away to die in solitary disgrace. He was found by Magneto, who explained his super power to him: “Instead of a stomach you house two sentient slugs who eat themselves through you chest. Using their super power enzymes they can digest any solid material blocking your way, thus strengthening you beyond imagination. But they slugs must reenter your body to release their storage, which hurts like hell every time.” Japheth named himself “The Maggot” and his maggots “Eanie” and “Meanie” and was a happy little mutant ever after…
The ‘Pop Culture Addict’ features a list of the Top Ten Lamest Superheroes. This is a fine read and recommended. Another one collecting weird and lame heroes is Blogzarro.
Related at the In-Sect: Vitron – Evangelical Superhero, The Bat Pages, Darna: ‘Ding ang bato!, Problem’s Home: Cap’n Alcohol or Anne Frank Conquers the Moon Nazis.
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