Ah, the Beastmaster – they just don’t make this kind of movies anymore. Thank God! This movie is the crudest mashup of genres ever. It’s Tarzan, Conan and Dr. Doolittle with a pinch of Science Fiction and – a must in the 80ies – nudity. Is it just a cheesy sword and sorcery tale? Yes.
The director and co-writer Don Coscarelli always lamented about the poor quality of the final cut. The author of the novel the movie is based on, André Norton, hates the movie – which may be caused by the fact that her book is about a Navajo warrior called Hosteen Storm fighting in a post apocalyptic future. It’s as if “Annie Hall” would be the film adaption of ‘Batman – The Dark Knight’.
The movie did not do to well at the box office and didn’t earn its production cost, but still brings TBS (The Beastmaster Station) nice quotes. It spawned two sequels, which are even worse.
There are some reasons why there will never be another sequel:
1. Marc Singer – the only Beastmaster – is 60 years old. No one will play an action hero being THAT old!
2. Children of today would never believe that someone who can command animals would choose ferrets, parakeets and rabbits to fight the evil. I’d opt for an army of Kung Fu trained gorillas myself.
3. It’s simply not allowed anymore to spray-paint tigers.
4. Well-muscled swordfighters in loinclothes are completely out of fashion, that would be too gay.
5. No one of the modern ‘Charlie’s Angels’ would appear in the Playboy to promote such a cheesy production. Tany Roberts did.
6. There is no director suicidal enough to make such a sequel. This would be like making a sequel to Alone in the Dark!
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